Boundaries vs Rules: What's the Difference?
Setting boundaries can feel surprisingly hard. Many of us grew up having our limits ignored, pushed aside, or disregarded. Over time, we can get so used to stretching ourselves thin that we don’t even notice when our line in the sand is slowly being dragged farther and farther out to sea. When that line finally gets crossed, we’re overwhelmed by the wave. We feel out of control, resentful, or flooded.
But learning to set healthy boundaries is one of the most empowering skills we can build. It starts with understanding what boundaries truly are, and what they are not.
What a Boundary Really Is
A boundary is a commitment you make to yourself about your own behaviour. It’s something you uphold.
For example:
“I don’t answer texts after 10 pm.”
This boundary helps you manage your habits, energy, and well-being. You’re drawing a line in the sand that protects your peace, without requiring anyone else to change.
How Boundaries Differ From Rules
Rules, unlike boundaries, attempt to control the behaviour of others.
For example:
“No one is allowed to text me after 10 pm.”
That’s a rule. It puts you in a position where your peace depends on other people complying, and if they don’t, you will likely feel irritated, powerless, or hurt.
Rules often become controlling, especially in adulthood. They can keep us from self-regulation because we’re placing responsibility for our emotions in someone else’s hands. If I’m getting angry every time someone texts me past 10 pm, the real work is noticing my own reaction and learning to soothe myself, not trying to enforce my will.
You can request something from others, but it is far more liberating to manage yourself.
Standards vs. Expectations
These two are often confused, and untangling them can help us build healthier relationships.
Standards: Who You Allow Into Your Life
Standards help you decide the type of people you welcome into your world.
For example, if you have a friend who is always 45 minutes late, your standard might be:
“I choose to spend time with people who respect my time.”
Standards empower you to evaluate what relationships feel good, supportive, and aligned with your values.
Expectations: Trying to Change Others
An expectation is:
“My friend needs to start arriving on time or else…”
Expectations often damage trust and create resentment, because they assume others should change to match your preferences. But sometimes lateness, or any repeated behaviour, is simply a difference in values or priorities.
You can express how it impacts you, but ultimately:
You decide whether this behaviour is tolerable for you.
You choose whether the relationship is worth maintaining.
You determine whether compromise feels healthy.
Your standards are for you, not tools for controlling others.
A Story to Bring It All Together
My mother is Roman Catholic, and she dislikes the German Christmas tradition of Krampus, a demon-like figure who punishes misbehaving children. I own a Krampus shirt that she absolutely hates.
At first, she tried to set a rule:
“You’re not allowed to wear that shirt.”
That attempted to control my behaviour, and at 40 years old, I’m not giving up my wardrobe choices.
But then she shifted to a boundary:
“I won’t go out with you in public if you’re wearing that shirt, because it makes me uncomfortable.”
That was different. She wasn’t controlling me, she was managing herself.
I still get to wear the shirt, just not when we’re out together. She also has a standard: she doesn’t wear anything with demonic imagery. And yes, she also has an expectation: she wishes no one else would wear something like that.
Our values differ, but because she’s my mother, we’re not cutting each other off. Her boundary helps us navigate that difference with respect.
Why This Matters
Healthy boundaries help you:
Feel grounded and in control of your life
Reduce resentment toward others
Build clarity, confidence, and self-respect
Improve your relationships by making your needs explicit and manageable
And most importantly:
Healthy boundaries invite people in, rather than push them away.
You deserve to feel respected, supported, and aligned with the people in your life. Standards help you choose those people.
Boundaries help you maintain your peace.
And letting go of expectations allows your relationships to breathe.
Journal Prompts
Understanding Your Patterns
When do I tend to move my boundaries “farther out to sea”?
Where in my life do I feel overwhelmed or resentful and what boundary might help?
Exploring Current Relationships
Is there someone whose behaviour consistently triggers me?
Is this an issue of boundaries, standards, expectations, or all three?
Values + Alignment
What values do I want my close relationships to honour?
Where am I compromising my standards in a way that feels unhealthy?
Self-Responsibility
What emotion do I want to take more responsibility for regulating myself?
What boundary could help me feel more in control of my own reactions?
Extra Resources
Books
Boundaries — Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Set Boundaries, Find Peace — Nedra Glover Tawwab
The Disease to Please — Dr. Harriet Braiker
Instagram Educators
@nedratawwab (boundaries + relationships)
@the.holistic.psychologist (self-responsibility + emotional regulation)
@sitwithwhit (communication & self-worth)
Quick Tools
The “Boundary Formula”: When you ___, I feel ___, so I will ___.
A weekly “standard check-in”: Which relationships feel aligned? Which feel draining?
A “10 pm test”: Practice setting one small behavioural boundary with yourself this week.
