You Don't Need to Know Why to Set a Boundary
Many people find comfort in figuring out why someone acts the way they do.
Was it their childhood? Their attachment style? Anxiety? Trauma? A diagnosis? Fear? Insecurity?
Sometimes understanding the reason behind someone's behaviour can be incredibly helpful. A diagnosis can provide language for patterns that previously felt confusing. It can help us understand ourselves and others, find appropriate support, and develop strategies for managing difficult situations.
But clarity isn't always found in the label.
Sometimes the more important question isn't:
"Why are they doing this?"
It's:
"Is this behaviour acceptable to me?"
You don't need a diagnosis to stop tolerating behaviour that hurts you.
Someone can have trauma. They can have anxiety. They can have an attachment wound. They can be struggling with their mental health. They can have a diagnosis that helps explain their behaviour.
None of those things automatically make them a bad person.
But none of them require you to tolerate behaviour that is harmful to you, either.
Understanding isn't the same as excusing
One of the reasons we try so hard to understand another person's behaviour is because we are often secretly trying to answer another question:
Can they change?
We are taught to support each other. To forgive. To believe in people. To see their potential.
Those are beautiful qualities.
But they can become harmful when we give someone unlimited opportunities to hurt us while waiting for them to become the person we believe they could be.
Everyone can change.
But not everyone wants to change.
And change that happens only because someone else is threatening to leave, withdrawing affection, or setting a boundary often doesn't last. Sustainable change requires the person themselves to recognize the problem and take responsibility for doing something differently.
You can understand someone's behaviour perfectly and still decide that you don't want to live with it.
A diagnosis can explain behaviour. It doesn't erase impact.
Imagine that someone you love becomes triggered during conflict.
You learn what their triggers are. You understand where they came from. You recognize the pattern.
That's useful information.
You might even become more compassionate toward them.
But imagine that you are now constantly monitoring yourself:
"I can't say that because it might trigger them."
"I need to approach this differently."
"I shouldn't bring this up right now."
"Maybe I caused the reaction."
"I know they don't mean it. They're just triggered."
Eventually, you realize you're walking on eggshells.
You just happen to know why the eggshells are there.
Understanding the behaviour hasn't made the relationship safer.
In fact, sometimes it has made it easier to stay in an unhealthy dynamic because now you have an explanation for everything.
Just because you can explain something doesn't mean it is easier to live with.
A person's intentions also don't erase the impact of their behaviour.
Someone can love you and still hurt you.
Someone can have a reason for their behaviour and still need to take responsibility for it.
Someone can be struggling deeply and still need to repair the damage they cause.
So what questions should we ask instead?
"Why?" isn't always a useless question. It can help us understand patterns and develop compassion.
But if you're trying to decide whether a relationship is healthy, there are other questions that may be more useful.
Are they a safe person for me?
Are they consistently building trust, safety and connection?
Do their words match their actions?
Do they take responsibility when they hurt me?
Are they willing to repair the relationship?
Are they working on the behaviours that are causing problems?
Do I feel like I can be myself around them?
Am I constantly managing their emotions at the expense of my own?
If nothing changed, would I be willing to live with this relationship exactly as it is?
That last question can be particularly powerful.
Because sometimes we aren't actually accepting a relationship as it exists.
We're accepting the relationship because we believe in its potential.
Give yourself a standard
Before you can recognize when something isn't working for you, you need to know what does work for you.
Take some time to create your own standard for how you expect to be treated.
Write it down.
Make a list.
Create a collage.
Talk about it with your therapist.
Put it somewhere you'll see it regularly.
Whatever helps your brain absorb and remember the information.
Your list might include:
Respect
Honesty
Kindness
Emotional safety
Reciprocity
Accountability
Consistency
Communication
Affection
Trust
Repair after conflict
Your list will be different from everyone else's.
The important thing is that you know what your minimum standard is.
Communicate your needs when it is safe to do so
If you feel safe, tell the person what you need.
Be clear.
Be specific.
Don't expect them to read your mind.
And then watch what happens.
Not just what they say.
What they do.
If someone tells you they understand but continues behaving in exactly the same way, their behaviour is giving you important information.
If you don't feel safe communicating your needs, that's important information too.
You don't owe someone a vulnerable conversation simply because it might help them understand why you're leaving.
You don't have to give unlimited chances
Sometimes we tell ourselves:
"Maybe I should give them one more chance."
That's compassionate.
But before you do, look at the last month.
How many chances have they already had?
How many conversations have you had?
How many times have you explained what hurt you?
How many times have they promised to do better?
How many times did their behaviour actually change?
There is a difference between giving someone an opportunity to grow and waiting indefinitely for someone to become different.
You don't have to give unlimited chances to prove that you are compassionate.
Compassion needs boundaries too
We sometimes hear that compassion should be unconditional.
I think compassion is incredibly important.
But compassion doesn't mean unlimited access to you.
You can understand why someone behaves the way they do and still decide that you cannot have a close relationship with them.
You can love someone and leave.
You can forgive someone and maintain a boundary.
You can understand their childhood and still say, "I won't accept that behaviour from you."
You can believe someone is worthy of healing without volunteering to be hurt while they figure it out.
That's not cruelty.
That's a boundary.
You don't have to solve the mystery
Sometimes we become obsessed with finding the perfect explanation.
"Why did they do that?"
"What happened to make them this way?"
"Did they really love me?"
"Could they change?"
"What if I had done something differently?"
We believe that if we can just find the answer, we'll finally feel at peace.
Sometimes we will.
But sometimes the answer won't change anything.
Maybe they were scared.
Maybe they were wounded.
Maybe they were protecting themselves.
Maybe they didn't know how to communicate.
Maybe they genuinely loved you but didn't have the capacity to show up in the way you needed.
Maybe they simply didn't want to change.
You may never know.
And you don't have to know.
Sometimes closure isn't discovering the perfect explanation.
Sometimes closure is recognizing:
"Whatever the reason, this relationship wasn't healthy for me."
That can be enough.
Understanding should give you freedom, not another set of rules
Labels and diagnoses can be incredibly useful when they lead to understanding, treatment, support and better communication.
But they become harmful when they turn into permission slips.
"They're triggered, so I have to be careful."
"That's just how they are."
"They can't help it."
"I know why they do this, so I should be more understanding."
Understanding should help you navigate a relationship more effectively.
It should not require you to disappear inside it.
If you find yourself constantly adjusting, shrinking, monitoring, explaining, forgiving and waiting while the other person makes little effort to change, the diagnosis isn't the most important information anymore.
The impact on you is.
You are allowed to step away from people who repeatedly break your trust.
You are allowed to protect your peace.
You are allowed to stop participating in relationships that lack reciprocity or repair.
And you are allowed to stop asking why long enough to ask yourself a much more important question:
"Is this relationship good for me?"
You don't need to understand everything about another person to know what you deserve.
Sometimes the answer isn't another explanation.
Sometimes the answer is a boundary.
Practical Reflection: When You're Stuck on "Why"
If you find yourself obsessing over someone else's behaviour, try writing down your answers to these questions:
What behaviour am I trying to understand?
How does this behaviour affect me?
Do I feel emotionally and physically safe?
Have I communicated how this affects me?
Has anything actually changed?
Do their actions match their words?
Am I responding to who they are now or who I hope they'll become?
If nothing changed, would I choose this relationship again?
What boundary would protect me?
What am I afraid will happen if I enforce that boundary?
And perhaps the most important:
If I never find out why, can I still decide what I need?
The answer is yes.
A note on diagnosis
Labels and diagnoses can be valuable tools for understanding patterns, accessing treatment, and developing effective strategies. They should not be used as shorthand for someone's character or as a way to diagnose people from a distance. Only a qualified professional can provide a clinical diagnosis. This article is about behaviour and boundaries, not about labeling other people.
Suggested resources
Books
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
A very accessible resource for understanding boundaries, communicating needs, and recognizing when you're overextending yourself.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
Particularly useful for understanding why we sometimes become preoccupied with figuring out other people's behaviour and why certain relational patterns feel so familiar.
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
A useful introduction to attachment styles and how they can influence relationships. I'd present this as an introductory resource rather than a definitive explanation of relationship behaviour.
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
Excellent for understanding patterns of interaction, especially when frustration and resentment build within relationships.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Useful for exploring over-responsibility, rescuing, and the tendency to take responsibility for another person's behaviour or emotional wellbeing.
For readers who recognize themselves in these patterns, working with a therapist can help distinguish between understanding a relationship dynamic and taking responsibility for changing it.
A therapist can also help you explore whether your difficulty setting boundaries comes from fear, guilt, attachment patterns, past experiences, or simply not having learned what healthy boundaries look like. We are here to help.
