Beyond the 5 Love Languages: Understanding What Really Makes Us Feel Loved
By now, most people have heard of the five love languages. Over time, additional “languages” have been identified to better reflect what helps people feel secure, valued, and appreciated in relationships.
It’s important to remember that everyone’s love languages are different, and healthy relationships require flexibility. Partners don’t need to meet every need all the time, but they should be able to meet each other’s core needs some of the time.
There may be moments when a partner isn’t capable of expressing a particular love language, or when it doesn’t come naturally to them. Those limitations are real and valid. At the same time, needs still matter. A relationship thrives when both people feel seen, cared for, and emotionally nourished, even if that requires effort, creativity, or compromise.
Love Languages & Capacity: When Needs Look Different
For example, if one partner is autistic and has significant sensory sensitivities, it may not be possible to fully meet the needs of a partner whose primary love language is physical touch. That doesn’t mean the relationship can’t work, but it does mean adjustments may be needed.
Perhaps the neurotypical partner wears softer clothing, or touch is limited to specific moments that feel safe and regulated. These kinds of compromises can be meaningful and sustainable when both partners are honest about their limitations and needs.
Without that honesty about how we give love, receive love, and where our boundaries are, connection becomes difficult.
The Original Five Love Languages
Words of Affirmation
Love is felt through verbal expressions of appreciation, encouragement, and reassurance. Spoken or written words help this person feel seen, valued, and emotionally connected.
Quality Time
Love is felt through focused, undivided attention and shared presence. Distraction or emotional absence can feel more painful than physical distance.
Physical Touch
Love is felt through appropriate physical closeness, such as hugging, holding hands, or gentle touch. Physical connection provides reassurance, comfort, and emotional grounding.
Gifts
Love is felt through thoughtful, symbolic giving. The meaning and intention behind the gift matter more than its cost.
Acts of Service
Love is felt when others help with practical tasks or responsibilities. Supportive actions communicate care by easing stress and workload.
The Expanded Love Languages
As our understanding of relationships evolves, so does the language we use to describe them.
Effort (Intentional Initiative)
Love is felt through follow-through, noticing needs, and taking responsibility without being asked. Effort reflects mental load, intentional presence, and prioritization.
Shared Experiences
Love is felt through creating meaningful memories together. Bonding happens through doing, exploring, and experiencing life side by side.
Emotional Security
Love is felt through consistency, reliability, and emotional steadiness. Feeling safe, especially during conflict or stress, is essential.
Financial
Love is felt through stability, transparency, and responsible financial care. Planning and provision communicate commitment and protection.
Intellectual / Appreciation
Love is felt through being listened to, respected, and taken seriously. Engagement with ideas and perspectives communicates recognition and value.
Why Love Languages Matter
Love languages give us a way to express our needs without blame or accusation. Instead of telling a partner they’re “not enough,” we can explain how we feel most loved.
They’re especially important if you’re single. Knowing your love languages helps you choose a partner who already has the capacity to meet your needs — rather than hoping someone will change with enough effort.
Compatibility isn’t about perfection; it’s about alignment.
Loving Yourself First
Understanding your love languages also allows you to meet your own needs.
If words of affirmation matter most to you, maybe that means asking friends for encouragement, or learning to speak kindly to yourself. When you can provide yourself with care, you create a sense of internal security.
From that place, a partner becomes someone who adds to your life, not someone you need to feel whole. This reduces desperation, increases discernment, and makes room for healthier relationships.
Safety, Familiarity, and Reflection
Reflecting on your love languages can reveal deeper patterns.
When do you feel safest? When you’re needed? Supported? Chosen?
It’s important to remember that feeling safe doesn’t always mean a relationship is healthy. We often feel safest with what’s familiar, even if it isn’t what’s best for us. Recognizing why we feel safe and deciding to break unhealthy patterns is what drives our emotional growth
Mismatched Love Languages Aren’t a Dealbreaker
Mismatched love languages don’t mean incompatibility. They’re often opportunities to practice empathy and intentional care.
Meeting a partner’s love language may not feel intuitive at first, but making small, consistent efforts can have a profound impact on connection and longevity.
And finally, it’s normal to grieve the love language that was never modelled for you. That grief holds real pain. But once you learn to name what you need, it becomes easier to receive it, from others and from yourself.
Journal Prompts
Which love languages resonate most strongly with me right now?
How were love and care modelled for me growing up? What was missing?
Which love languages do I give most naturally, and which feel harder?
When do I feel “safe” in relationships, and why?
What needs can I begin meeting for myself today?
Resources
The Five Love Languages – Gary Chapman
Attached – Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Glover Tawwab
Therapy focused on attachment, communication, or neurodiverse relationships
Understanding your love languages can transform how you connect with partners, friends, and yourself. If you’d like support exploring your needs, patterns, or relationship dynamics, working with a counsellor can help you build clarity, confidence, and emotional security.
