What Does “Doing the Work” Actually Mean?
When Something inside you is broken it stays with you. You live in the past until you are able to reconsile it, even it’s painful. You do the work because you want to evolve.
- Young Guinan
When it comes to therapy and personal growth, we often hear the phrase: “You have to do the work.”
You can go to therapy… but you still have to do the work.
So what does that actually mean?
In my opinion, “doing the work” comes down to three core steps. It isn’t easy. It involves change, and change can be terrifying.
But what scares me more than change is stagnation.
Without bravery, curiosity, and change, humans would not have evolved. Change is uncomfortable. Staying the same, especially when you’re unhappy, is petrifying.
Doing the work looks slightly different for everyone, but there are always three core stages. And each stage requires two essential ingredients:
Intentionality
Follow-through
You can attempt these steps on your own. But it will almost always take longer and feel heavier without support. A therapist provides structure, safety, accountability, and emotional containment, especially when things get uncomfortable.
Step 1: Identifying Trauma, Triggers, Patterns, and Wounds
The first step is awareness.
Sometimes trauma is obvious — a major event, loss, betrayal, or abuse.
But often it’s subtle.
Some wounds are woven quietly into family systems. They’re normalized. They’re brushed off. They disappear into the fabric of “this is just how life is.”
Not everything that shaped you was dramatic. However, that doesn’t mean it didn’t leave a mark.
Everyone has wounds. Some are small. Some are profound. Identifying them isn’t about blaming, it’s about understanding.
Because you cannot heal what you cannot see.
Ways to Begin Identifying:
Journaling about repeated conflicts
Noticing emotional overreactions
Tracking triggers
Exploring relationship patterns
Working with a trauma-informed therapist
A therapist can help you:
Stay focused
Avoid spiraling
Identify maladaptive coping mechanisms
Connect patterns to root causes
Awareness can feel destabilizing at first. But clarity is power.
Step 2: Healing and Letting Go
This is where many people stop.
They identify their triggers — and then expect everyone else to tiptoe around them.
But healing is not about making the world smaller. It’s about becoming stronger inside it.
It is not everyone else’s job to manage your wounds.
It’s your responsibility to heal them.
And healing requires sacrifice.
You may need to let go of:
Resentment
Injustice
Anger
The identity of being “the hurt one.”
The comfort of familiar pain
That can feel like losing part of yourself.
Even unhealthy patterns can feel comfortable over time. And comfort can be mistaken for safety. The familiar can feel safer than the unknown.
Letting it go can feel like standing without armour.
But healing creates space.
Just like a hermit crab outgrows its shell, you must shed old emotional armour to grow.
Healing Tools May Include:
Trauma-informed therapy
Somatic regulation practices
EMDR
Solution-Focused Brief Therapy
Shadow work
Art therapy
Visualization exercises
Structured journaling
There is no single right way. Different nervous systems respond to different techniques.
Healing isn’t easy. But it makes space for hope, peace, and joy.
Step 3: Adapting to a New Reality (Changing Your Behaviour)
This is the step people notice.
This is your growth step.
Others can support you, but no one can do this part for you.
This is where you:
Pause when triggered
Regulate your nervous system
Choose a different response
Break automatic reactions
Act in alignment with your values
This is what “doing the work” looks like in real life.
Not just insight.
Not just emotional release.
But behavioural change.
When you respond differently than you would have last year — that’s growth.
When you stop chasing chaos.
When you set a boundary.
When you tolerate discomfort instead of escaping it.
That’s doing the work.
And this step is often the hardest.
Because your nervous system prefers familiarity over health.
Growth feels uncomfortable at first because your brain equates familiar with safe — even when familiar is painful.
But new behaviours create new outcomes.
And that’s where transformation happens.
Important: It’s Not Linear
Doing the work is not a straight path.
Sometimes you move forward.
Sometimes you circle back.
Sometimes you feel like you’re at square one.
You’re not.
Healing is layered.
Every time you revisit a wound, you do so with more awareness and strength than before.
The ingredients remain the same:
Intentionality
Follow-through
Awareness
Healing
Adaptation
With those, you build a life that feels lighter.
One with more hope.
More self-respect.
More alignment.
Journal Prompts
What patterns keep repeating in my life?
What situations trigger disproportionate emotional reactions?
What part of my pain has become part of my identity?
What would I have to let go of in order to heal?
How do I typically react when I feel hurt?
What behaviour would my future self be proud of?
Where am I avoiding change because it feels scary?
Signs You’re Actually Doing the Work
You pause before reacting.
You take responsibility without self-shaming.
You tolerate discomfort instead of numbing.
You apologize when necessary.
You set boundaries consistently.
You notice patterns sooner.
You stop blaming and start adjusting.
A Gentle Reminder
Doing the work doesn’t mean becoming perfect.
It means becoming aware.
It means becoming accountable.
It means choosing growth over comfort.
You don’t need to be fearless.
You just need to be willing.
If you’re ready to begin identifying patterns, healing wounds, and changing behaviours — working with a therapist can help you move through these stages with clarity and support.
You don’t have to navigate growth alone.
And the version of you on the other side of this work is worth meeting.
Additional Resources
Free Work Books
The Holistic Psycologist - Free Journal and Workbooks
Books
How to do the work - by Dr. Nicole LaPera
The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
A foundational book on how trauma impacts the body and nervous system.It Didn’t Start With You – Mark Wolynn
Helpful for exploring inherited family patterns and intergenerational trauma.
Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach
Beautiful for working through shame and self-judgment.The Mountain Is You – Brianna Wiest
Accessible and reflective for understanding self-sabotage.Self-Compassion – Kristin Neff
Excellent for replacing harsh inner criticism with growth-oriented accountability.
Atomic Habits – James Clear
Practical and concrete for implementing behavioural change.The Power of Habit – Charles Duhigg
Explains the habit loop in a digestible way.
Podcast Recommendations
Self-Healers Sound Board
Unlocking Us
The Huberman Lab Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
