Why We Act the Way We Do
Have you ever done something you knew wasn’t good for you… and did it anyway?
Maybe you texted the ex.
Maybe you said yes when you meant no.
Maybe you chose short-term comfort over long-term peace.
You’re not alone.
I recently had a conversation with a close friend who asked how she could better understand her own motivations. She had a brief fling with an ex, even though she knew it wouldn’t be healthy, wouldn’t last, and wouldn’t leave her feeling good about the decision.
Of course, I recommended therapy. But she wanted a few questions she could ask herself in the moment; something practical to help her choose differently next time.
If you’ve ever made a decision you knew would cost you later, here’s what’s usually happening:
The immediate reward feels stronger than the long-term cost.
The future consequences feel abstract or far away.
The choice gives you a quick emotional or dopamine hit.
An unmet need is quietly driving the behaviour.
Your Brain Isn’t Broken
When we’re triggered, our nervous system prioritizes immediate relief over long-term well-being. The emotional part of the brain reacts faster than the rational part.
That’s why we can “know better” and still do the opposite.
Your system is trying to reduce discomfort, not ruin your life.
Understanding that reduces shame. And shame is rarely helpful for change.
First: Be Compassionate
No one is immune to making difficult or unhelpful choices. Being human means sometimes choosing what feels good now, even when we know it may hurt later.
What matters most is what you do next.
You can learn.
You can pause.
You can choose differently at any point.
The Cost of Change (That No One Talks About)
Changing behaviour sounds empowering, and it is, but it has real costs:
Sitting with discomfort
Feeling loneliness instead of escaping it
Resisting a dopamine hit
Facing old wounds
Letting go of fantasy
That’s not easy.
Setting boundaries with yourself requires strength. Saying no to something you want in the moment takes courage.
But every decision either moves you toward your values or away from them.
And you are stronger than you think.
A Simple Pause Tool
The next time you feel the urge to act impulsively, try this:
The 90-Second Pause
Set a timer for 90 seconds.
Take slow breaths.
Notice what you’re feeling in your body.
Ask yourself one reflective question from the list below.
Often, that small pause is enough to shift the outcome.
Questions to Help You Understand Your Behaviour
You don’t need to answer all of these. Choose one or two that resonate.
Noticing the Trigger
Am I being triggered by this person or situation?
Is this a familiar feeling from my past?
When have I felt this way before?
Identifying the Need
What need is being activated right now?
Is there a vulnerability or fear underneath this choice?
What am I trying to protect myself from?
Recognizing Patterns
Is this something that keeps happening in my life?
How did this pattern turn out last time?
How did I feel afterward?
Emotional Defenses
What is my go-to “armour” in these situations? (Freezing, humour, anger, silence, overthinking?)
What emotion might I be avoiding?
What would I tell a friend reacting this way?
Choosing a Different Outcome
What decision would my future self thank me for?
At what point could I choose something different?
What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail or be judged?
How could I meet this need in a healthier way?
A Real-Life Example
In my friend’s case, she realized she was repeating a pattern because she felt lonely. She was trying to meet a very real need, physical touch.
There’s nothing wrong with that need. Loneliness is painful. Wanting closeness and comfort is deeply human.
But instead of running from those feelings or seeking quick, unhealthy relief, we explored alternatives.
She came up with:
Getting a massage
Trying acro yoga
Spending more time with trusted friends
These options offered connection and closeness without reopening a relationship that had already hurt her.
Different People, Different Styles
Some people make decisions primarily based on how they feel in the moment. That can provide emotional relief, but sometimes creates chaos later.
Others focus more on long-term consequences and logic. That can protect stability, but may require more intentional emotional processing elsewhere.
Neither style is wrong. The key is awareness.
When you understand your motivations, you regain control.
Living in Alignment
Learning your motivations and living according to your values isn’t easy. But it builds confidence and self-trust.
You start to believe yourself.
You begin to respect your own boundaries.
You make choices you can feel good about from start to finish.
A life well lived isn’t one where you never fall.
It’s one where you get back up, learn something, and try again.
Choose One
If this feels overwhelming, don’t do all of it.
Choose one question.
Sit with it this week.
That’s enough.
If this resonates with you and you’re noticing patterns you’d like help untangling, working with a therapist trained in solution-focused approaches can help you get clarity and forward movement more quickly.
You don’t have to keep repeating patterns alone.
And you’re not broken for having them.
Journal Prompts
What is a recent decision I regret? What need was underneath it?
When do I tend to make impulsive or unhealthy choices?
What emotional states make me most vulnerable to bad decisions?
What patterns do I see repeating in my relationships or habits?
What would my “future self” want me to do in difficult moments?
How do I usually cope with loneliness, fear, or stress?
What is one healthier way I could meet a current emotional need?
Tools & Resources
Therapeutic approaches to explore
Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT)
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT)
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Books
Atomic Habits – James Clear
The Mountain Is You – Brianna Wiest
Self-Compassion – Kristin Neff
Practical tools
Daily reflection journal
Habit-tracking apps
Emotion wheels or feeling charts
Values clarification worksheets
